The Misplaced Wound, Aftermath

At this point I began to change. I still did my young adult and teen work, planning lessons, leading discussion, organizing events, and both ministries continued to do well, especially the young adults. However, other things began to slip. We ended up missing a couple Saturday nights, for one reason or another, and I stopped pushing for them, as a result, this prayer ministry ended. I used to get to the church an hour early and spend time in the balcony of the sanctuary praying. I would still be the first one there everyday, but it wasn't an hour early, and I stopped going to the sanctuary. The change in my emphasis on prayer is significant, especially as it relates to what the real wound ended up being.

My relationship with the pastor, my boss, became strained. We began to really disagree on the emphasis of ministry, and I'll take responsibility for my part in this. Part of it was my youth. At this point I hadn't thought through a lot of "philosophy" on ministry, I was in many ways still trying to figure out exactly what that meant (it's encouraging to look back at this now and actually have a clear philosophy of ministry). Part of it was stubbornness. I've never been good at the political game, I'm really not a fan of it at all, and at 23 I was too proud and stubborn to even think about playing it. Third, it was hard for me to submit to leadership there. I didn't feel that there was a lot of vision for the church, and I didn't end up seeking advice from the pastor very often. When I had a question or needed guidance, I would call one of the two pastors I had interned under during my last years of college. All of these things combined for a difficult working relationship.

Perhaps my biggest failure in this aftermath was that my attitude became evident to those I ministered to. I'm a really honest person, at times probably too honest, and though I don't believe I ever said anything negative about the situation or the pastor, the young adults I was working with knew that I was really dissatisfied with the situation I was in, and I really think this impacted my effectiveness as a leader.

I had been there less than a year, but I began to feel that I had accomplished all that I could in that setting. I started to casually browse for another position, and I just began to get more and more frustrated and guarded. I began to avoid people, particularly the older lady who ran the children's ministry, and as much as possible the pastor. It made ministry hard, it made going to church even harder.

I began to channel the pain and frustration into arguments that challenged things. In a normal setting, coming from someone who wasn't wounded, and phrased as suggestions, they may have actually done some good. I still think back about what really ended up being the final straw, and my point was solid, I still stand by what I said, but my delivery came from a wound, not a scar, and that made all the difference...


Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!