The Wound from Her, Impact

This wound may have impacted me in the most significant way. I was really into this girl, poured my heart out in letters that I never sent her because there were things I felt I needed to say but it wasn't time to actually say them. I wrote song lyrics for her, and I'm not a musician. I had forgotten about a lot of this until this past Thursday night/Friday morning.

Over the past week I've been thinking a lot about this, and the few months I had known her had caused me to relate to someone on an emotional level I never had before. I had put myself out there, really for the first time, and even though it became clear that she was no longer interested, there was no real closure for me. I began to emotionally withdraw.

In the past week I've started to realize how this has impacted me. It's hard for me to open up to people, I'm often guarded, and it's easy for me to be indifferent about a lot of things. I had opened myself up to open, been vulnerable in ways I hadn't before, and I ended up getting wounded. That wound caused me to become protective, not letting people get too close, and suppressing my emotions while I retreated to the safety of logic and reason.

I began to simply exist, I really had no passion in my life, and at that point I had no sense of true identity for a foundation. I was isolated out of state, away from the small support system I had, and trying to deal something I didn't have any idea what to do with.

I feel like I need to throw this out there, I don't blame her for any of this. It was almost 10 years ago, she was only 19, and that wasn't the plan God had for either of us. If I were to run into her nothing would be awkward or uncomfortable, and we could probably sit and catch up on life.

I got really emotionally invested in this, to use a cliche "I gave my heart away" (I really hate cliches, you have no idea I much), but that's what happened. As a result, I became guarded, and didn't connect with anyone on that level again out of a desire for self-preservation...


Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!