I had stepped back on a wrestling mat, and even interacted with my former coach, but God had not finished His healing work on this wound. I remember talking with a pastor friend about it, and still being angry about the situation, talking about how unfair the whole thing was, and how I got screwed out of my shot at a State title. Long story short, he pointed out that yeah the situation might have been unfair, but the reality is I lost, and that hit me.
God had been leading me and challenging me in many areas of my life. I ended up doing my first vision quest (which you can read about on here, it starts with the fourth post in January 2018, "The Beginning of a Journey"), and I had even experienced healing from a another wound where God led me back to the place where the wound occurred. It was late Summer 2017, five and a half years since seeing my coach, and I was getting ready to make a trip up to Michigan to deal with another wound. It was a Saturday and I was getting a few things done, but I couldn't shake the feeling that God wanted me to go out to the wrestling room at my old high school.
I fought God on this. I really didn't want to go out there. It was an hour round trip, they no longer used for practice as they school had added on and build a new facility, and I didn't even know if I'd be able to get in to the old wrestling room. I made excuses, but God didn't let up, and so finally I drove out there, being fully prepared to not be able to get in and turn around and drive back home.
I got to the school, and parked in front of the building that used to be the wrestling room. I got to the door, and turned the handle to find that it opened. Before anything else, I was hit with the smell of that room. It's one I can't describe, but one that is so familiar to me. I heard the quiet buzzing of the heater, a noise you can only hear when the room is silent, and then I turned on the lights. I spent so many hours in this room, drilled moves over and over until I couldn't do them wrong, sweat off hundreds of pounds (literally), had three of my front teeth broken, and pushed myself beyond so many physical limits.
I took a little while just to take in everything. It had become a bit of a storage room for wrestling equipment, and it wasn't the neat, organized practice facility it was when I was a student athlete. I walked around remembering and letting it all come back. I sat down on a bench and began to try and process. I wrote a few things down on 3x5 index cards, but didn't have the break through that I was looking for. I began to get frustrated, and I asked God why He had me come all the way out here just to sit in a room. Then God began speak, here is what I wrote in my journal after about a month of reflecting on my time there.
"I had a goal of being a state champion. there had been set backs and disappointments up to that point, but I pushed through, worked harder, become more determined. That last season pushed me past all my limits, and it broke me. That last match was it. It broke my will, broke my spirit, and I was done. I quite so close to my goal. I feel like that truth was why God led me back there. The reality is that I had the state tournament in sight; a title was within reach, and I gave up because of a set back. I gave up feet from the finish line."
The final aspect of my healing was a realization of what had happened, I gave up everything I had worked so long and so hard for because of a set back that I refused to fight through.
In my journal I asked myself these questions:
What if the next lion is the last lion?
What if I get eaten because I wouldn't dig deeper for one more battle?
Battle doesn't last forever. Don't get taken out because you were sick of fighting.
Don't get killed on the eve of victory because you refused to fight one more lion.
I closed the journal entry with this quote:
"You're a warrior. Warriors don't give up, and the don't back down. Pick up your sword and shield and fight."
God took me back to the place where I gave up on my dream so close to the end. He used this moment as a challenge for the future, as a reminder of what giving up can cost. What if there is only one more lion to fight? What if the next lion that you face is the last one before a huge break through?
I said a final prayer, and began to walk out of the room. Above the door it used to say "CHAMPION", and every time I left practice I would hit the door frame, every time except that last time in 2004. I turned off the lights, and as I walked out of the room I hit the door frame. I had gone back to a place of wounding, faced the past, experienced healing, and killed the lion.
I will never be a state wrestling champion, the time for that has come and gone, but I will never again give up on a dream because of a set back. Right now I'm facing a bigger lion than I did at 17, and this time there is a lot more at stake than my own achievement. There has been setback after setback, the past few weeks have been the most defeating and discouraging ones I've had in a long time, but this time I'm not giving up.
"For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, but the wicked stumble in time of calamity." (Proverbs 24.16)
My identity is no longer based on my success at what I attempt, but on who God says I am. Because of this, I can get back up time and time again, because God is there pick me up when I fall.
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
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