I can't describe how that revelation felt. For so long I had been hung up on the wrong moment. I had never talked about this part of my time in Michigan with anyone, I'd mentioned the meeting several times, but I had never once brought up this complaint with how I addressed God in prayer. As I've reflected on this, I've started to see the impact that this event had on me. It was at this point that things had started to change for me. My own personal prayer life began to diminish, I stopped singing on Sunday mornings (I would sit in the front and look through my Bible, it looked reverent and worshipful), and I began to lose intimacy with God. That moment was the one that had shaped everything about my time in Michigan.
I sat there on the front pew, tears starting to come to my eyes. There was a sense of freedom in that moment, I had been held captive by something I didn't even realize was an issue, and I had been carrying a burden for so long that I wasn't even aware of. I began to write, simply crying out to my Daddy, a little boy who was safe in the arms of his almighty father. It was good.
I stayed in the sanctuary for about two hours, until I felt that God told me we were done. I walked down to the fellowship hall where our young adult group used to meet, poked my head in the youth room where I had led teens, and on my way back to thank the pastor and say good-bye I stopped to see the classroom where that meeting had taken place. This church has a very long hall way, one of those you need to be in to actually grasp how long it is. There were more class rooms than I remembered, and I couldn't remember which room that particular meeting had taken place in. This was further confirmation that this was not the real wound that I had been dealt.
I thanked the pastor for allowing me to have this time, and before I left I wrote another note and buried it under one of the bushes outside of my old office. I offered forgiveness to people who had no idea they had wounded me, and then I headed back home to Ohio, stopping at Cabela's on the way. I saw no one I knew, spent more time in the car than I did at the church, but God led me there, and He met with me there.
While this wound has been healed, there are still some of the effects that I'm dealing with. I'm still working to grow closer to God, seeking that intimacy with Him that I used to know. Life is different now, I've got a lot more scars, experienced a lot more, and have way more on my plate than I did back then, but all of this has helped me learn more about who God is and who I am to be as a result.
This wound has impacted the way I see church, and church people. I struggle with the traditional American Church model, and I find myself questioning a lot about how things are done. My experience here influenced me as a lead pastor, a role I took on seven months after leaving Michigan, and impacted how I led the church I was given to pastor.
This wound has impacted my worship (defined as musical participation during church services for this explanation). Since Michigan, I've had a hard time singing on Sunday morning. I've gone back and forth between standing with my head bowed and my mouth on my fist, sitting with my head bowed and face on folded hands, and standing with my hands in my pockets and glancing somewhat heavenward. Occasionally I'll engage in a few lyrics, but most of the time I simply take in everyone else singing. This bothers me. I struggle to connect with my emotions, especially around strangers (that what happens when you're a logic driven introvert). This is something I'm working to personally address in my own life, and I think my own personal journey is beginning to directly focus on this.
This wound was subtle, but it was powerful, and there is still work to be done in the areas this wound impacted. Knowing the real wound was the first step to healing.
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
Friday, September 7, 2018
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
The Misplaced Wound, Healing Part 1: Off to Michigan
For a couple years I had felt that God was leading me go back to Michigan, this was the first place I really felt called to return to. I put it off for about two years, mainly because I wasn't ready, and in all honesty I didn't want to go back. I had been hurt, and I wasn't eager to return to a place that had cast me out. God kept putting it on my heart, and I kept pushing it to the side, I don't even think I mentioned it to anyone for two or three years. I had been back to Michigan since leaving, there's a huge Christmas store, Bronner's, that I've taken my daughters too and to get there you drive past the exit I used to get off at to get to my old apartment and the church.
I had been back to the church I had pastored, and God kept putting it on my heart to go back to Michigan, so I mentioned it to a couple people this time, asking them to pray with me about going. I got on the church website to see if the church was even still open (I had some doubts that it would be) and when I did I found that there was a new pastor. The people who I talked to confirmed that I should go, and since this lined up with what God had been telling me for years, I began to try and get in touch with the pastor.
I sent an email, and go not response. I reached out to a couple of the young adults I knew from the church to see if they had a personal email for him, and got no response. I reached out to a couple other pastors I knew in the area asking for anyway to get in touch with the pastor, and no one seemed to have any personal contact information for him. It got to the point where I was about to just drive up there and sit in the parking lot, something I wasn't big on, but it felt like it might be my only option, and God was leading me to go. I finally called the church directly, and ended up sending him another email, letting him know more specifically what I was wanting to do, and this time, a week before I had planned to go, I got a response. We had a phone conversation, and the pastor agreed to let me come and spend some time in prayer, and even said he'd be around if I needed anything.
The morning came, I woke up early, made a note on a 3x5 card "Off to Michigan to kill a lion", and began the four hour drive to Flint. I actually filmed my day, part of me is interested in trying to get into YouTube so this was my first attempt, you can see the video at: http://proverbs1824brothers.blogspot.com/2017/08/trying-something-new-by-will.html
I got to the church and took it all in; very little had changed in the past seven years. I met the pastor, and he walked with me into the sanctuary. He told me he would be in his office if I needed anything and then gave me some words of wisdom. I don't remember exactly what he said, my mind was a little distracted, but the gist of it was that people in the church make mistakes, doing what they think is right and biblical, and that I shouldn't hold it against them (I'm not capturing what he said well at all, it made a lot of sense actually led me to the discovery I needed to make).
He left me alone, I put my bag down on the from pew where I used to sit each Sunday morning, and then I began to walk around the sanctuary; it was a lot smaller than I remembered. As I walked and began talking to God something came to my mind that I hadn't thought of in years. When I had started at the church there they put me in charge of the offering Sunday mornings. I would share a bit about what the teens had studied the previous week, relate it to tithing, and then pray. I used to pray by addressing God as "Daddy" (Romans 8.15; Galatians 4.6). It was the way I prayed and the way I connected with God, and it just came out when I prayed on Sunday mornings.
The first few weeks nothing was said, but after about a month the pastor asked me about it, said some older people in the church had said something about it, and so I said I wouldn't use that term on Sunday morning any more; to me it wasn't a hill worth dying on. The first Sunday morning where I didn't say it, one of the older board members came up to me after words and said, "Thank you for changing that." At the time I didn't think anything of it, but as I sat there, in the same spot where that man had spoken to me it hit me, that was the real wound. The wound that had been inflicted hadn't happened in a meeting, but in the sanctuary over the way I addressed God in prayer...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
I had been back to the church I had pastored, and God kept putting it on my heart to go back to Michigan, so I mentioned it to a couple people this time, asking them to pray with me about going. I got on the church website to see if the church was even still open (I had some doubts that it would be) and when I did I found that there was a new pastor. The people who I talked to confirmed that I should go, and since this lined up with what God had been telling me for years, I began to try and get in touch with the pastor.
I sent an email, and go not response. I reached out to a couple of the young adults I knew from the church to see if they had a personal email for him, and got no response. I reached out to a couple other pastors I knew in the area asking for anyway to get in touch with the pastor, and no one seemed to have any personal contact information for him. It got to the point where I was about to just drive up there and sit in the parking lot, something I wasn't big on, but it felt like it might be my only option, and God was leading me to go. I finally called the church directly, and ended up sending him another email, letting him know more specifically what I was wanting to do, and this time, a week before I had planned to go, I got a response. We had a phone conversation, and the pastor agreed to let me come and spend some time in prayer, and even said he'd be around if I needed anything.
The morning came, I woke up early, made a note on a 3x5 card "Off to Michigan to kill a lion", and began the four hour drive to Flint. I actually filmed my day, part of me is interested in trying to get into YouTube so this was my first attempt, you can see the video at: http://proverbs1824brothers.blogspot.com/2017/08/trying-something-new-by-will.html
I got to the church and took it all in; very little had changed in the past seven years. I met the pastor, and he walked with me into the sanctuary. He told me he would be in his office if I needed anything and then gave me some words of wisdom. I don't remember exactly what he said, my mind was a little distracted, but the gist of it was that people in the church make mistakes, doing what they think is right and biblical, and that I shouldn't hold it against them (I'm not capturing what he said well at all, it made a lot of sense actually led me to the discovery I needed to make).
He left me alone, I put my bag down on the from pew where I used to sit each Sunday morning, and then I began to walk around the sanctuary; it was a lot smaller than I remembered. As I walked and began talking to God something came to my mind that I hadn't thought of in years. When I had started at the church there they put me in charge of the offering Sunday mornings. I would share a bit about what the teens had studied the previous week, relate it to tithing, and then pray. I used to pray by addressing God as "Daddy" (Romans 8.15; Galatians 4.6). It was the way I prayed and the way I connected with God, and it just came out when I prayed on Sunday mornings.
The first few weeks nothing was said, but after about a month the pastor asked me about it, said some older people in the church had said something about it, and so I said I wouldn't use that term on Sunday morning any more; to me it wasn't a hill worth dying on. The first Sunday morning where I didn't say it, one of the older board members came up to me after words and said, "Thank you for changing that." At the time I didn't think anything of it, but as I sat there, in the same spot where that man had spoken to me it hit me, that was the real wound. The wound that had been inflicted hadn't happened in a meeting, but in the sanctuary over the way I addressed God in prayer...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
Monday, September 3, 2018
The Misplaced Wound, Impact
I've been thinking about this post for the past few days, and honestly I'm not even sure what to write. This whole series of posts on this particular wound have been difficult to write about. That may simply be because of the nature of the wound and my understanding of it, I'm thinking that talking about the healing process will clear a lot up.
I've been looking back at my time in Michigan, and part of me really doesn't know why God sent me there. I was there for 10 months, of the two ministries I started, one didn't last as long as I did, and one gradually dwindled over the next year or so, and then it was cancelled. I've lost touch with everyone from when I was up there, occasionally I'll get a Facebook from one of my teens/young adults, but those are becoming fewer and farther between. Even the people outside of the church I was close to, the Thursday morning youth pastors, the couple that became my Michigan parents, and the two other youth pastors I built good friendships with, communication has dwindled.
This wound impacted me in how I see church leadership, and the older generation. It got me to start looking at military chaplaincy (part of me is still really interested in this, but I don't know if that door is going to open). It got me to really start thinking about the importance of vision, though it would be several years before I even began to formulate my own vision for an organization.
I know that nothing is wasted, that God uses all things to work to mold me into the image of Christ, but part of me still has no idea why He sent me to Michigan, to this church, to these teens and young adults. It may have been for me. The move to Michigan gave me the opportunity for closure in another area (More on this in a few weeks), it gave me a heart for new college graduates entering ministry, and it put me fully on my own, without any support system or relationships at all, for the first time. And maybe the impact was simply for God to be able to bring healing.
Tozer said, "It's doubtful that God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply." I don't have the brain power or emotional energy right now to begin to delve into the idea of God causing deep pain, but this may simply have been a moment of causing deep hurt in order to bring about great blessing in the future. This experience led to other painful experiences, and it made me ask a lot of questions.
Again, I don't know that I have a good answer on this one, but keep reading, because the healing is where all of this began to make sense for me, and hopefully it helps someone out there move towards healing in their own life...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
I've been looking back at my time in Michigan, and part of me really doesn't know why God sent me there. I was there for 10 months, of the two ministries I started, one didn't last as long as I did, and one gradually dwindled over the next year or so, and then it was cancelled. I've lost touch with everyone from when I was up there, occasionally I'll get a Facebook from one of my teens/young adults, but those are becoming fewer and farther between. Even the people outside of the church I was close to, the Thursday morning youth pastors, the couple that became my Michigan parents, and the two other youth pastors I built good friendships with, communication has dwindled.
This wound impacted me in how I see church leadership, and the older generation. It got me to start looking at military chaplaincy (part of me is still really interested in this, but I don't know if that door is going to open). It got me to really start thinking about the importance of vision, though it would be several years before I even began to formulate my own vision for an organization.
I know that nothing is wasted, that God uses all things to work to mold me into the image of Christ, but part of me still has no idea why He sent me to Michigan, to this church, to these teens and young adults. It may have been for me. The move to Michigan gave me the opportunity for closure in another area (More on this in a few weeks), it gave me a heart for new college graduates entering ministry, and it put me fully on my own, without any support system or relationships at all, for the first time. And maybe the impact was simply for God to be able to bring healing.
Tozer said, "It's doubtful that God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply." I don't have the brain power or emotional energy right now to begin to delve into the idea of God causing deep pain, but this may simply have been a moment of causing deep hurt in order to bring about great blessing in the future. This experience led to other painful experiences, and it made me ask a lot of questions.
Again, I don't know that I have a good answer on this one, but keep reading, because the healing is where all of this began to make sense for me, and hopefully it helps someone out there move towards healing in their own life...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
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