The last time he and I talked I did something that I had told him I would one day do, call him not seeking advice, but just to see how he was doing. I made that phone call and ended up leaving a voicemail because he didn't answer the phone. When he called me back a few days later we talked, I heard how he was doing, but the conversation felt like it didn't have much energy. We hung up, and that was the last time we spoke for a while.
After that I remember getting a single text message asking how things were going. I was frustrated and hurt at the time, and even though some elements were starting to look really good (I had found out at that point that I was going to be a daddy), I gave a simple response of "About the same", and that was the last interaction we had for years.
I let myself become angry and bitter. I was hurt, I was frustrated, and I was just ticked off. I stopped reaching out to people for advice, and just tried to figure a lot out on my own. I didn't express how I felt to the one person I could have told anything to, and instead began to let myself think very arrogant and mean thoughts. I got to the point where I hoped he would call and offer me a job just so I could turn it down.
I didn't try to reach out to him. I didn't seek his advice about starting grad school. I didn't ask him to be a reference when I applied for another church job. At a point when I probably could have used his guidance the most, I refused to reach out to him because of a combination of hurt, pride, and spite...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
Friday, September 14, 2018
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
The Wound I Made Worse, Inflicted
After leaving the church I had been pastoring, I began to attend the church my mentor was at. I was now ordained, so I didn't have an service time I had to keep going to obtain my ordination credentials, and so I wasn't doing any volunteer work with the church, for now I was just attending Sunday morning services. He had accepted the call to pastor this other church, announced it to the congregation, and began to make preparations to move. At the time I wasn't working and I was in the process of dealing with my last church experience, and so we would meet up to talk.
At everyone of these conversations I always had his words from years ago on my mind. So many times he had told me about the potential I had, about my gifting, and my spirit; I kept thinking about how he had told me countless times that he wanted to bring me on staff. He was now going to a church where he had the opportunity to do that. I was available, and the opportunity was there, and I kept waiting for him to bring it up, but he never did.
There were several times I wanted to ask him, but I was too afraid of hearing him say no. At that point I was in a really fragile state, and I'm honestly not sure how I would have handled the rejection of someone I looked at as a father. He moved, and I waited. I offered to help the church through the transitional period of looking for a new pastor, but this offer never went anywhere, and after a few weeks I began to attend a different church that was closer to where I lived, and they had Saturday night services, which freed up my Sunday mornings for sunrise hikes.
My mentor and I had a couple phone calls, mostly me asking for guidance or telling him about a job I was applying for and seeing if he could make a phone call to help me out. Part of me was still waiting and hoping he'd offer me a job, but I had begun to accept the reality that it wasn't going happen.
I was a time in my life when I probably needed him the most. I was unemployed, having been let go from another church, and carrying another wound, it was a rough time; I was failing in every area of worldly success. I saw someone who had the ability to help me, the ability to fix pretty much every issue I was focused on, and we never even had a conversation about it...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
At everyone of these conversations I always had his words from years ago on my mind. So many times he had told me about the potential I had, about my gifting, and my spirit; I kept thinking about how he had told me countless times that he wanted to bring me on staff. He was now going to a church where he had the opportunity to do that. I was available, and the opportunity was there, and I kept waiting for him to bring it up, but he never did.
There were several times I wanted to ask him, but I was too afraid of hearing him say no. At that point I was in a really fragile state, and I'm honestly not sure how I would have handled the rejection of someone I looked at as a father. He moved, and I waited. I offered to help the church through the transitional period of looking for a new pastor, but this offer never went anywhere, and after a few weeks I began to attend a different church that was closer to where I lived, and they had Saturday night services, which freed up my Sunday mornings for sunrise hikes.
My mentor and I had a couple phone calls, mostly me asking for guidance or telling him about a job I was applying for and seeing if he could make a phone call to help me out. Part of me was still waiting and hoping he'd offer me a job, but I had begun to accept the reality that it wasn't going happen.
I was a time in my life when I probably needed him the most. I was unemployed, having been let go from another church, and carrying another wound, it was a rough time; I was failing in every area of worldly success. I saw someone who had the ability to help me, the ability to fix pretty much every issue I was focused on, and we never even had a conversation about it...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
Monday, September 10, 2018
The Wound I Made Worse, Setup
In the summer of 2008 I had to do a senior internship as part of my undergraduate program. I had a church in mind that I wanted to do this internship with, but it was not part of the denomination, and so I was unable to do intern with this church for credit. Time was running out, and I hadn't found anywhere else to do my internship with, and then one of my professors suggested a place and set up a time for me to meet with the pastor. We met briefly, made arrangements, and I then I got ready for what would be the busiest summer of my life to date: two internships, part time job, and training for sprint triathlon (I was 21, I could do anything).
That internship ended up being a great experience. The pastor became a close friend and for a while my mentor. We met one on one every week and discussed various topics surrounding ministry and life, and we built a solid relationship. He introduced me to Chipotle, became a constant source of encouragement, and in many ways began to build me up in ways no one else ever had.
I went back to school in the fall, but we continued to stay in touch. I'd call him and ask him about what he thought about different papers I had to write, and whenever I was home I'd stop and see him. He even began to talk about wanting to bring me on as a staff member after I graduated. Things didn't end up working out that way due to the budget, but I ended up going back to intern there again the summer after I graduated.
This pastor continued to pour into my life. When I had questions, or things I wanted to talk about, he was the one I went to. When I got turned down for job after job I talked to him. When I got a job offer in Michigan, I talked to him. When I met this girl, and when that ended, I talked to him. He began to call me "son", and though I never called him "dad", part of me really wanted to, and in all honesty that was how I saw him.
I took the job in Michigan, talked to him every couple weeks, mostly when I had questions or had something I wanted to tell him about in my life, and we would grab Chipotle every time I came home. When my time in Michigan began to draw to a close, I talked with him, and when it did end, I made arrangements to do volunteer with the church there, again, the budget didn't allow for me to be hired, although I was told if they had the budget I would have been hired on the spot.
I went back for a few months, and then got hired as a lead pastor. Because of the situation I was assigned a pastoral mentor, and because of the relationship we had, he was assigned as my mentor. He talked me through a lot of difficult situations. My second Sunday at the church I was called to the hospital where a wife didn't know if her husband of over 60 years was going to make it through the night. I stepped out of the room, called my mentor, he talked me through what to do, prayed for me, and then after we hung up I broke down and cried, then washed my face in a drinking fountain and went to be a pastor. His guidance got me through that time. A few months later, he guided me through walking with a dying man towards eternity, and then through my first funeral.
He officiated my wedding, walked with me when I left the church, and continued to be an encourager. In the process of this, he told me that he had received a call to interview at another church. He told me about the situation, all of the factors he shouldn't get the job, the reasons part of him didn't want to take it, and asked me to be in prayer with him. When we got off the phone I said, "He's going to be moving." At this point part of me got a little excited. I was happy for him, he's a great man, a faithful and loving pastor, and I had been waiting for God to do something like this in his life. I also go excited because I thought this might finally be the time where we would get to work together. The denomination is set up where an incoming pastor can bring whomever he wants to join his staff. I hadn't forgotten about the things he used to say, and part of me believed that those things were finally going to happen...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
That internship ended up being a great experience. The pastor became a close friend and for a while my mentor. We met one on one every week and discussed various topics surrounding ministry and life, and we built a solid relationship. He introduced me to Chipotle, became a constant source of encouragement, and in many ways began to build me up in ways no one else ever had.
I went back to school in the fall, but we continued to stay in touch. I'd call him and ask him about what he thought about different papers I had to write, and whenever I was home I'd stop and see him. He even began to talk about wanting to bring me on as a staff member after I graduated. Things didn't end up working out that way due to the budget, but I ended up going back to intern there again the summer after I graduated.
This pastor continued to pour into my life. When I had questions, or things I wanted to talk about, he was the one I went to. When I got turned down for job after job I talked to him. When I got a job offer in Michigan, I talked to him. When I met this girl, and when that ended, I talked to him. He began to call me "son", and though I never called him "dad", part of me really wanted to, and in all honesty that was how I saw him.
I took the job in Michigan, talked to him every couple weeks, mostly when I had questions or had something I wanted to tell him about in my life, and we would grab Chipotle every time I came home. When my time in Michigan began to draw to a close, I talked with him, and when it did end, I made arrangements to do volunteer with the church there, again, the budget didn't allow for me to be hired, although I was told if they had the budget I would have been hired on the spot.
I went back for a few months, and then got hired as a lead pastor. Because of the situation I was assigned a pastoral mentor, and because of the relationship we had, he was assigned as my mentor. He talked me through a lot of difficult situations. My second Sunday at the church I was called to the hospital where a wife didn't know if her husband of over 60 years was going to make it through the night. I stepped out of the room, called my mentor, he talked me through what to do, prayed for me, and then after we hung up I broke down and cried, then washed my face in a drinking fountain and went to be a pastor. His guidance got me through that time. A few months later, he guided me through walking with a dying man towards eternity, and then through my first funeral.
He officiated my wedding, walked with me when I left the church, and continued to be an encourager. In the process of this, he told me that he had received a call to interview at another church. He told me about the situation, all of the factors he shouldn't get the job, the reasons part of him didn't want to take it, and asked me to be in prayer with him. When we got off the phone I said, "He's going to be moving." At this point part of me got a little excited. I was happy for him, he's a great man, a faithful and loving pastor, and I had been waiting for God to do something like this in his life. I also go excited because I thought this might finally be the time where we would get to work together. The denomination is set up where an incoming pastor can bring whomever he wants to join his staff. I hadn't forgotten about the things he used to say, and part of me believed that those things were finally going to happen...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
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