Reflections of the Quest

2018 was a rather frustrating year; there were some really good moments, but the last few months of the year were rough. While a large part of that was external circumstances beyond my control, part of it was a lack of direction. For three years I had been focused on identity; it drove everything I had done and studied, and at the end of that time I had a solid grasp, both head and heart, of what that looked like. I was focused in that time, doing well, moving towards a goal but enjoying and taking in every step of the journey. I knew that identity wasn't the ultimate destination, but I didn't rush on to the next thing. For once, I took time to celebrate it, enjoying it, but at the same time I knew the celebration would need to end so the journey could continue.

A large part of my vision quest has been getting focused for the next year of my life. This year I left the woods full of confusion. In the months since that day in July, I thought a lot about what Passion meant. Why hadn't I gotten a clear sense on my quest? Why had everything I had thought about for the past three years not lined up with where my mind had gone. I had no answers.

Towards the end of the Spring of 2018, God gave me the sense that I had a one year time frame, not fully sure what that means, but I feel like June 30, 2019 marks the end of that year. Part of what I had learned about identity involves intentionallity, not being passive and letting life happen, but going after things with purpose. In order to be intentional, I reached out to a couple men I respect and ask them if they would be willing to purposefully invest in my life over the next year, meeting on a regular basis to discuss certain topics, and help me continue to move forward. All of them were willing, and so I began to figure out exactly what I was looking for and what I wanted from them.

I had asked them to give me homework, and I've gotten a couple really good books that have given me great insights. One that really helped was Finishing Strong by Steve Farrar (highly recommend this one). As I read the chapters there was talk about King David, and where he began to shipwreck. Farrar points out that David didn't shipwreck that night with Bathsheba, but years earlier when he violated God's instruction that Israel's king was not to acquire many wives. Farrar points out that David shipwrecked when he took his second wife.

As I read the chapter (side note David has been the figure I've looked at for the Passion stage of my journey) something began to click. Passion isn't about my gifts, abilities, or calling, but instead it's about my relationship with God. The focus for this next stage is not on what I am feeling led to do, but instead on connecting more deeply with the One who gave me my identity. The point of Passion is about a deeper intimacy with God.

I wasn't focused on this that day on my vision quest, I was looking at what I needed to do, taking the focus partly off God and putting it more on to me. That was why nothing made sense that day, and that was why I left confused and frustrated. Identity helps me connect to God, it shapes how I connect to God, but it does not take my focus off of God and put it on action.

That realization brought so much clarification to my mind, at least for this area. As I've started, very slowly, on this next stage of the journey, I've found purpose and direction again. It hasn't been easy, the enemy doesn't want us to connect with God, and if finding identity was difficult, connecting on a deeper level with God is going to be even harder, which is why identity matters.

God gave me an identity, and that identity will lead me to connect with Him more deeply on this next stage as I chase Passion.


Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!

End of the Quest

I left the woods before the sun set, but not before I set down my index cards and pen, and simply watched the sunlight move across the lake. I didn't make any real progress on the next stages of my journey, and in so ways I felt more confused than when I had started this quest. This year was different from my previous two vision quests. Not only was this one significantly shorter, but on both of the other ones I felt that God had clearly spoken, giving me focus and direction for the coming year. With this one, I just felt lost.

I had gone into the woods to clear my head and process/sort out the things on my mind. All I really managed to do was get some practice hanging up my hammock in a semi-precarious location, and summarize what I had already known. These weren't bad things, but they really weren't what I had ventured into the woods for. I wanted God to show up like He had in the past, giving me clear insights into my life, speaking to me in a unique way, but all I really got was confusion, having no idea what to do next.

That isn't what I've come to expect from vision quests, but to be fair I hadn't realized I was on my vision quest at that moment. What took place there in my hammock by the lake would continue to unconsciously develop in me over the next several months, until one day in late fall it all started to make sense...


Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!

Frustration

My mind was drawing a complete blank. I had spent three years on identity and I knew there was a next step, but the fact that I had no idea what that next step looked like was a really frustrating thing. I thought at this point I'd have a few things figured out, and I thought that it should come somewhat easy. It didn't.

I don't know how long I sat there in my hammock trying to figure out what to write down. I kept looking at the Bible references I had written, but that's all that was coming to me. I had come to the woods to sort through some ideas, and I was stuck on the second point. I decided to move on to the next one, the Destiny point, and so I started in the same place. I wrote down the key verse that I had been focusing on, then the summary of what I had come up with in my initial thoughts. There was just one problem, the stuff I was writing under the Destiny heading was stuff that I was thinking fit under the Passion heading. Now I was all confused.

What was I supposed to do now? I had finished with one part and I knew I needed to keep moving on this journey, but I had no idea what the next step looked like. And on top of all of that, what I thought the next step looked like was what I was now putting down for the step that followed it. Part of me felt like I was back at square one; the next steps either didn't make any sense, or looked completely different than I had expected...


Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!

Reflections

I sat there and part of me just took in the beauty of the scenery. I was back in the woods, but I had a clear view of the water. This side trail isn't very heavily used by other hikers so I wasn't disturbed as I watched the sunlight on the lake. I took out some index cards and began to write.

About a month earlier I had taken part in my own passage ceremony, marking the conclusion to the first part of my journey. I began to reflect on what I had learned, writing out Scripture references, summarizing key themes, connecting ideas, in some way to give clarity to my own mind, and also to begin consolidating all of this stuff on identity into notes in the hopes of being able to share it with other groups at retreats or seminars (I'm really hoping to begin moving in this direction once the current things I'm dealing with come to a conclusion).

I sat and wrote, really taking in what I had been through and learned over the past three years, kind of blown away about what God had done, but I also knew that this wasn't the end of the journey. As I finished the last 3x5 card on identity, I put the word "Passion" at the top of a new index card, wrote out the central verse that I've been coming back to with this word for the past few years, and then my mind drew a blank...


Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!

Where to go?

One of my favorite areas to hike near where I live has a network that consists of around 20 miles of trails. This particular section of Ohio has amazing diversity in the forest and landscapes, as well as trail difficulty, and it is just an awesome place to escape. I needed to get away from the chaos of life for a little bit, and there is a lake I was drawn to in this area. I got to the trail head in the early evening, but still didn't know exactly where I wanted to set up my hammock and do some processing.

I was tired, so I didn't feel like doing the longer, and more difficult of the trail options. At the same time, I didn't want to simply do the short and easy trail around the lake. That left me with a trail I haven't hiked too many times. It isn't my favorite path; there isn't much too it, but it was the only real option I had since I felt like I wanted to watch the sun set over the lake. I hefted my pack onto my back and began to walk.

The entire time I was focused on where I was going to set up my hammock. I kept asking God, "Where do You want me to set up?" I hadn't gone more than 100 yards when I saw a place in my mind, and I knew that this was the spot god was sending me. It was close to where I was, maybe half a mile at most, and I turned around to head to the spot. I had a lot I wanted to process, and again, I was tired. The trail I was on was around 2.5 miles, and has one section with some steeper hills, and if I knew where I was going to go, why not head straight there?

As I turned to head there I felt that God was nudging me to turn back around and hike this trail. I wasn't sure why, but I decided to listen. I walked and was able to clear my head, I find that's what hiking does for me and that's why I do it most of the time.

I was looking through some pictures I took, and this trail really does contain a lot of beauty. There's this large field that gives an amazing view of the sky, that day it was a really vibrant blue. It had rained earlier that day, and I found mushrooms that had collected rain water. At the lowest point of this trail there is small stream that falls over rocks. The trail ends on the top of a hill that looks over another field, and at this time of the year there were several wildflowers growing. Why don't I hike this trail more often?

I headed back to the lake, my head finally cleared and overwhelmed by beauty, and found the spot I had seen. My hammock was set up, now it was time to process...


Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!

It Actually did Happen

I'm taking a short break from the book of Genesis and looking specifically at who God is. Since 2016, it has been my goal to spend a night alone in the woods, allowing myself to have time away from all distractions with God. I've taken to calling it my vision quest because my experience has been that God shows up, gives a clear sense of focus, and shows me where my attention needs to be for the immediate future.

In 2018, I never spent a night alone in the woods. I was planning on it, had every intention to do it, even had a plan on where to go, but it never happened. I kept putting it off, never making solid plans but having a lot of excuses as to why I was putting it off, and then it began to get cold. I had set plans for two different weekends in November, and both times something came up last minute. I got to the end of the year thinking that the vision quest didn't happen this past year, but as I began to reflect on the 2018 my mind went to an evening I spent in my hammock in early July.

I had been feeling the need to just escape everything for a little while and reflect on some things. The first weekend of July I took my pack, headed to a trail I haven't hiked a lot, it was actually the same trail I had lost my hammock on during the previous year's vision quest, and was able to spend some time reflecting on what God had been doing, and where HE was taking me.

Vision quest 2018 did not involved an over night in the woods, but God showed up and spoke to me just the same. And the fact that it was different than what I was expecting actually fits with what God showed me...


Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!