I'm still in the process of trying to figure out exactly how this blog is going to function, or rather how to fulfill the function is was created for. I am on a journey of personal healing, and recovering, or maybe claiming is a better word, the identity God has for me. This journey involves personal study as well as action. Over the past week I've felt that I've been sharing what the Bible says, but neglecting what it means to my life and this journey. So my plan is to write on the weekend, applying the previous week to my own life, and sharing some of my journey as I'm able, and ready, to.
John 1.5 says, "The Light shines in the darkness,and the darkness did not comprehend it." God's way is not the human way to live life. His expectations go against the human desire for self-preservation and force vulnerability. I'm not a big fan of vulnerability. I've been hurt a lot in relationships, ministry, by friends, coaches, and mentors. I've learned that by not opening up it protects me from that kind of pain, but with it comes a whole new level of pain that results form bitterness and isolation. I've realized that this lack of vulnerability has extended to God, and this lack of vulnerability keeps me from comprehending the Light. Exposure to the light makes me have to deal with things. It makes me have to explore the areas of wounding and seek healing. In the darkness you can ignore the blood soaked bandage, but once the light exposes it, you have to peal it off and begin to let God stitch up the wound.
I'm in the middle of a couple of difficult stitches right now, and I'm not looking forward to dealing with them. One involves reaching out to someone from the past, one involves returning to a place of significant wounding, but these are things I have to do, because an untreated wound never heals. Focusing on the pain of these wounds, hidden in the darkness, has kept me from fully believing in God and claiming my identity in Christ.
John 1.12 declares, "But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name". I am a child of God, that is what the Bible says. This is a reality I have struggled with. As the daddy of two girls I get the unconditional love of a father for his daughters. I understand the desire to bless them, and often have to restrain myself so they don't end up selfish and spoiled. I understand the protective nature, one of my closest friends has requested to be present when my girls go on their first dates, just to see how I ensure that the young man in question understands how precious my girls are. There is no good thing I would not give to my girls, and when my girls are with me there is nothing in the world that can touch them. I have trouble owning the reality that this is the attitude God has towards me. Right now the struggle I am having is realizing that God is allowing everything that is happening because it will result in my good. This is hard to accept, and even unclear as to how, (more explanation on this sometime in the future). I have to realize that as a parent you have to let your children face things on their own, always being there for support, but eventually letting go of the bike, and letting them try on their own. It isn't a lack of love or protection, but a release. The hardships of healing and initiation are the results of a loving father's plan for me to grow into who He created me to be.
The only way for me to continue to trust God, continued to grow and develop, is by growing closer to Christ. John 1.18, "No one has seen God at any time; the only begotten God who is in the bosom of the Father, He has explained Him." Everything that is true about God is seen in Jesus. If I want to know God, I can only do that through Christ, and the only message to believe is that of Christ. I've listened to other voices, those that have not been rooted in the truths of Scripture, or spoken in genuine love. Sadly, these voices are often the loudest and most discernible. Learning to tune them out and focusing only of the truths of God as seen in Jesus is difficult. Knowing the voice of Christ is only possible when I am actively searching for Him.
John the Baptist did not sit idly by waiting, "I did not recognize Him, but so that He might be manifested to Israel, I came baptizing in water." (John 1.31) He had a mission and diligently went about that mission as he waited for Jesus to show up. I don't feel like I've been doing the same. I've found myself frustrated and discouraged by where life has brought me. The result has been a lot of sulking, complaining, and time wasting. I don't even want to think about all of the time I've spent doing nothing of eternal value when I should have been seeking God and His healing and initiation. I've spent too much time waiting for everything to just fall into place, but that isn't how life works. Again, I think about the time I've spent covering up the wound, and the negative results because of it (more on this on PR. 18.24 in the next week or two). Healing and initiation only happen through active participation. Comprehension of the light only happens from active exposure.
All of this is hard for me because it involves vulnerability, which again is something I'm not a huge fan of. I don't like the risk because I forget about the promise. Jesus said, "Come, and you will see." (John 1.39b) This is not simply an invitation, but an invitation with a promise. Come, and you WILL see. It doesn't say might, it doesn't simply say come, but it says Come, and you will see. There is a promise. Jesus does not disappoint and He does not forsake us. If I am willing to trust Him and follow Him, I will find what I am searching for. If I will be vulnerable, letting Him have access to the wound, He will heal it. If I am vulnerable and submissive to Him, He will give me my true identity, allowing me to live fully from a healed and true heart of strength.
I need to realize that it is safe to trust God. Just as He met the unknown needs of a newlywed couple in Cana, a need they weren't even aware of, God is working now in ways I don't even know. I have to remember that God is not limited to the present, but is working now for next week, next year, and even three decades from now. God is doing things now that I am not even aware of, and I have to try and see my present circumstances in that light. I cannot afford to allow myself to get bitter in the moment, throwing away the future, just because God isn't doing what I think He should.
Finally, I have to realize that sometimes God has to do some cleansing in order to bring about healing. Before a festering wound can be sewn up, it needs to be cleaned. Dead skin needs to be cut away, infection needs to be treated. Sometimes there are things in life God has to drive out, tables He needs to overturn, and hard truths He must remind me of in order to get my attention and bring me back to a place of humble worship. I can get angry at God because He made a big mess and disrupted the way I do business, but that only places me above Him, and prevents everything He is trying to do.
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
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