We didn't talk for years. I was hurt, and being pretty stubborn (I'm working on turning this into grit, the positive definition of this trait) I wasn't about to make a phone call or send a text. I simply let things fester. I didn't unfriend him on Facebook, but I made it so I didn't see his posts. I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to know how he was doing, I felt abandoned, and my immediate inclination was to build a wall and cut him out of my life.
I had no mentor at this point, I still met with pastors from the church I was attending from time to time, but I was guarded, not wanting to let anyone get close, build up my hopes, tell me about my potential, and then let me get abandoned again. I had read about the term "Ronin", a Samurai without a master, and in some ways thought of myself that way. Part of me really didn't want another mentor, part of me really just wanted to say "Screw it, I'll figure this life thing out for myself." That philosophy never worked out very well.
I didn't really trust anyone, and I didn't let anyone get close to me at this point. I was willing to let people in, but only so far. I would let different people see different parts of me, no one got the whole picture. I stopped paying attention to the affirmation and encouragement people would give me, I stopped seeking help and guidance from anyone, and in many ways stopped challenging myself.
In my mind, I was done; I wasn't going to contact him, and if he contacted me I wasn't going to respond. I was going to be spiteful and immature, but I didn't see it that way. I was hurting myself, letting bitterness fester, and I was only hurting myself. I didn't want to seek healing or restoration, but God had other plans...
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
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